i'm Cool On the Internet!!!

In light of the Supreme Court’s decision to debate marriage equality, this is my Facebook status today:

Changing your Facebook profile picture in support of marriage equality is a kind gesture of solidarity, but I hope that you remember to do whatever you can for LGBT rights online and off. LiveStrong and ‘Save the Boobies’ bracelets are cute, but they don’t fight cancer - research funding does. Online organizing can be very effective, but my real concern is prioritizing the “cute” side of LGBT activism over the actual cancer of it. 

The true meaning of equality is being concerned not only for the two tuxedo-clad white guys eating wedding cake in Central Park, but for a poor black transwoman getting the shit kicked out of her by cops in Oakland. 

If you’re an ally, good! Welcome to the struggle. Do whatever you can for the cause within your means. Just remember the true meaning of “We’re all in this together”.

Hi, this is some 2 AM rambling about how I feel about social justice, the Internet, recent Twitter drama, and Tumblr. Some of my insights are better than others.

I didn’t really want to post about this on here in the first place - especially because I haven’t written in a while thanks to the flu - but a few people asked me to repost what I wrote last night. I’m walking into a hornet’s nest by bringing this to the very site I derided, but oh well.

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I sold my Beanie Baby collection at the height of the fad in 1999 in order to buy my first used desktop computer - and my Internet activity has been downhill from there! I’m turning 25 next month, and my current hard drive is bursting from all of the files I’ve transferred and hoarded over the years.

The other day, I came across a Word file written by my middle-school BFF Jordan and I in early 2002: A 117-strong list of the bands, historical figures, fictitious characters, and more who we planned to invite to the GREATEST PARTY OF ALL TIME.

She was in 7th grade, I was in 8th, and we came up with this during one of our many sleepovers. The names of real-life friends and cute boys have been deleted for their sake - but I haven’t added or removed any other listings. Original entries are in bold, with commentary on the side.

The list is long, but it’s a great snapshot of our weird little heads. ‘Chris Kattan’ and ‘Mango from SNL’ are listed separately, and one of the listings just says ‘Sugar Ray except not Mark McGrath’.

Here’s a screencap of the original document. Yes, it’s color-coded by gender. In Comic Sans, of course. I can’t make this shit up.:

As a bonus, I’ve added the most embarrassing photos possible to the bottom of this post.

Enjoy, and if you’ve got any way to make this party possible, please contact me immediately.

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Composer John Stump (1944 - 2006) created brilliant pieces of unplayable music marked by hilarious annotations - including “Like a dirigible!” “Gong duet.” “Rigatoni” and “Apply brown liquid now.”

His best known piece, “Faerie’s Aire and Death Waltz (from ‘A Tribute to Zdenko G. Fibich’)” was composed in 1980. Here’s an attempted performance presented by the Colorado State Music Teachers’ Association.

“Remove cattle now.” “Light explosives now… and now.” “Play ball!”

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So, first this happened:

And then I stole a map from Reporters Without Borders to illustrate the plight of those who cannot send dickpics:

Thanks for the inspiration, @mould2k! I’m gonna go start an NGO about it. I dedicate myself to filling in these black holes with as many dickpics as humanly possible.

While I support the choice to live a safe, responsible and clean lifestyle, straight-edge as a subculture is uniquely obnoxious in that its adherents feel the constant need to remind you of it. One way this is typically done is in the form of awful t-shirts.

Despite growing up in Fort Lauderdale — the Colombia of Oxycontin — I saw enough of these t-shirts at the punk shows I attended as a teen to favor my county’s hordes of zombie pillhead Baby Boomers over the sort of ‘hardcore’ kids who wore them.

Here are a few of my favorite sXe things:

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Howdy, sex-liker! If you’re a male human wondering how to do some pleasure on a horned-up lady, you’ve come to the right place. Hopefully, you’re Aaron Carter. If you’re not, you’re essentially worthless, but that’s alright! You can still get your “bone” on, it’s not like you’ll be arrested by the dick police.

Women can’t just get all eye-poppin’ and hootin’ and hollerin’ like a cartoon wolf right away, you know. The female horny level is affected by a number of factors, such as whether or not you’re a complete piece of shit, and whether you actually clean yourself on a somewhat regular basis. If you’re not sure whether or not a lady wants to let you hide your salami in her fun purse, you should always ask directly and make sure you’ve got enthusiastic consent. By enthusiastic, I mean she’s got a big ol’ foam ‘We’re #1’ hand and it’s already covered in her sweet sweet honey from having already taken herself to Fingerbang City.

You gotta start off real slow with a lady, and you can’t just grab on to those peaches/melons/kumquats and twiddle those nips like you’re tuning in to your favorite bullshit conservative AM radio host. Her whole body is a ‘Discovery Zone’, and it’s not just about her ball pit. Also, if you’ve ever actually attempted to put your balls in a vagina, please don’t fuck anyone ever again.

The most important factor for the female horny level is relaxation. Put on some smooth jams, dim the lights, and shut the fuck up. Generally, it takes about 15-40 minutes for a lady to get rarin’ to go, so you gotta spend a lot of time on foreplay. Try slurping on her boobies, or even her cleterus. Watch how she responds to your face-tongue and hand-fingers, and see whether she likes it harder than a Motörhead riff or as soft as a butterfly-fuck. If you’re not diving face-first into her splendiferous muff, you really have no human value whatsoever and should consider ending your life immediately.

Then again, if she’s not into that sort of thing, she’ll let you know if she just wants the D. But if you’re already down there, don’t use your fingers like they’re a bunch of miniature wangs. To paraphrase Otto from the Simpsons, they’re fingers - they fing. Her G-spot is located about 1-2 inches in, and if you start making your hand do the ‘come here’ motion like you’re trying to coax a puppy out of there, a young and adorable dog will actually emerge from her vagina and high-five you for actually caring. Just go with it, you dumb fucker.

In the meantime, you should’ve already been using your mouth-muscle to do circles and shit all around her Fuck Button. Maybe you’re too fucking stupid to realize this, but you can flex your tongue and make it hard or soft like you do with your biceps whenever you’re desperately posing in front of your toothpaste-stained mirror. Jesus. Please don’t talk to her at this point, because unlike the male horny level, the female horny level, once disrupted, can’t just shoot back up like a relapsed junkie. Anyhow, just stay down there until she starts shaking and whatever, even though with your sorry ass it’ll probably just be a ‘boregasm’.

Once she’s already exploded with glory, you can go ahead and stick it in and try to make it happen again on account of women being magical creatures who can just keep ‘gasming eternally. And yet we fought for centuries for the right to leave the house, which shows how smart and capable we are compared to how men would probably just jerk it all day and break their dicks off if they could. Regardless, if the big ‘O’ (Overstock.com) already happened once, then hoo boy, it’s way easier for it to happen again.

Congratulations, you just banged a real-live human woman! Call your dad, maybe he’ll actually be proud of you for once. Gee, ain’t it grand? Maybe your trouser snake also got a chance to puke all over the inside of a latex bag. You should keep all used condoms in your ‘cool guy’ drawer in order to prove that you have any meaning to humanity. If you put a few new ones over your hands, your homegirl might even let you high-five her.

You did this, man. You did a sex that was good for both of you. Because you understood the dark mysteries… of the Female Horny Level. ;-)

Hey guys, this is my first post on this ‘bad boy’, and by that, I mean my new blog. Wow. Whoa.

I’m looking forward to providing crippling disappointment to those seeking long-form entertainment from a Twitter-famous jerk. (That’s me! I’m that jerk!)

Alright so the other day I went to Urban Outfitters and saw that they’re currently having a contest for a $500 gift card — all you have to do is take a selfie for Instagram and tag it #uoselfie. Easy enough, right?

Here are my submissions. If those fuckers don’t like any of them, the whole contest is obviously rigged.